How do you know you're watching a Jewish Scene in a Hollywood Movie?
- In the background of every scene there is a Menorah
and at least one painting of some sad fiddler.
- Jews ALWAYS speak with European accents,
even if they were born in Nebraska
- Conservative or Reform rabbis are ALWAYS young
and wear yarmulkes perched on top of their heads
like gentiles at a Bar Mitzvah.
- Orthodox rabbis are always old, with accents and long beards.
- Answering questions with questions
is how the rabbis are made to look sage.
- The shiksa is ALWAYS blonde and voluptuous but has a 'good heart.'
- If you want a non-Jewish actress to look Jewish,
put an ugly tichel (headscarf) on her head
(she STILL looks non-Jewish).
- Bubbes are always old even if its their first child's first child.
- Bubbes always have their hair in a really ugly bun,
and they always look misty-eyed.
- There is always a blue-box in the background.
- There is always a map of Israel on the wall
(does ANYONE have a map of Israel?)
- There is always a man called David and a woman called Sarah (pronounced seerah), a deceased brother who was killed in either the 6-Day or Yom Kippur war, and an aunt who never married who lives with her sister and brother-in-law.
- All the lead parts are played by brunettes with long noses.
- All the shaygetzes (non-Jewish boys) are Brad Pitt look-alikes
and would convert, but instead are turned away
while she marries her mother's best friend's son
who is ALWAYS a nerd, short and ugly ~~
she marries him because it was 'arranged' years before.
- ALL marriages are arranged, even in the most assimilated families
- Required Grande Finale:
Breaking the Glass and a mixed family Horah wedding dance.
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Jewish Hollywood Moments
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