[from an article by Richard Lederer in the National Review, December 31, 1995]
These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic, and unretouched.
(None, of course, was written by your child - or any youngster in your school district.)
It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
- Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
- Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Some Jews consider Jesus to have been an ordinary man, so they write his name like that of any other man. Some question whether or not he even existed, possibly being a myth borrowed from similar stories.
However, others ascribe to him the status of a "deity worshipped by others," whose name Jews should not pronounce. Many extend this ban to the written form.
Some write "Xianity" as a simple shorthand, like "Xmas," while others prefer not to write "Christianity" lest it appear that they consider Jesus to have been the Messiah.
It is important to note that the shorthands "Xianity" and "Xmas" do not derive from attempting to "blot out" the Jesus's name; rather, they arose because the first letter of the Christ in greek (Christos) is a Chi, which looks like an "X". In fact, the shorthand is used by many Christians.
The possible halachic problem with writing Christ derives from the fact that "christos" is the Greek word for Messiah/moshiach. Hence, some argue that writing the name Christ in full tacitly acknowledges (G-d forbid) that Jesus was the Messiah.